So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
