I CAN MOONWALK!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
