I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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