I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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