Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
