I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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