I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
