My Higher Power is John Stamos
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
