Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
