Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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