since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
