My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
