I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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