Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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