She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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