we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
this is an emotional support booty call
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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