I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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