Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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