matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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