My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
