Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
