smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
