Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
then he tried to convert me to islam
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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