I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
