Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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