you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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