This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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