I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
