You smell like stripper and shame
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
