you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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