I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
