He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
