He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
