What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
