There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
