I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
