thus making me awesome and them whores
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
