I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
