I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Couch. On fire.
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