doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
