i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
