I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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