Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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