I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
