woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
