Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
