And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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