Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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