um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
