it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Drunk is a universal language darling
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
