When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
